| It's because I don't have internet at my apartment. Major bummer. Espesially considering the class with the most work happens half on Webct (internet) and half in the classroom! So I've pretty much lost most if not all interest in internet blogging and such. Ironically, my life hasn't gotten less busy. I've been reading these books that Bo got me hooked on; it's a fantasy series called the Sword of Truth. I feel like a total dork, but I'm really enjoying them a lot. The books have so much truth in them about life, such great stories, and they're complete cliffhangers. Anyway, life is going, and going, and going. Not much happening really. Still dealing with the recent taste of sorrow in my life, resulting from many things including my marriage. Not that it's terrible or anything, just that it's hard, and it's so tempting to cross my arms and pull away from deep relationship whenever I am hurt by seeing my true self, or by seeing his true self. Neither of them are pretty all the time. I used to think I was doing okay in life. When I look back a year or two, it seems like I handled life much better than I do now. I think the truth is that my life never was really difficult, and I had a false sense of pride. Whatever it is, it's hard dealing with all this new truth that keeps popping up out of nowhere to boggle my mind about the way I see things. It's hard, but I know it's good. The Spirit in me is the only thing sometimes that tells me that. There are so many things I'm dealing with right now. I have a nasty guilt complex of some sort. It was recently brought to my attention (thanks God) that everything that man does and has results from rivalry with our neighbor. (Ecclesiastes 4; yes, read the whole thing). Ouch. That hurts. I've been trying to remind myself that what I wear is for me and my husband and no one else's opinion matters. Also, that I need to quit worrying about what people think of me so much because in the end it doesn't matter. I've been trying to get back into real life. Real people. Real God. I've already got the real pain down. I'm working on going to scripture and just reading, soaking in, and listening. No talking. I have lots of issues with discipline, that means, doing the things I need to do whether I want to or not. This applies to my attempt to get back into scripture. I've also found out that I'm really bad at loving my husband well. That I'm lazy most of the time and I'm horribly selfish without even knowing it. So I feel really messed up all the time and beyond reach of God's healing and love and grace and forgiveness. Did I mention I have a hard time with that one too? Maybe it goes without saying, I don't know. It's quite possible that this one problem is the very source of all the other problems, at least at the core. But all I can think of is eveything I want in life and eveything I want to be, and I never see any of those things in me. So I fail to uncross my arms, go to a quiet place, read His word, and just listen, and wait for the One who can give me and make me all the things I want that matter in light of eternity. Himself. So sorry if it was long. Read it if you care to, or not that's ok. I needed to get those words out of my head for now. |
